does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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