I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
