Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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