I met the friendliest cop last night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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