Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
