Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
