I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
