i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I pour the whiskey from now on
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
