I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
