Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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