do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
