I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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