Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
