No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
