I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
