i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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