She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
