Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
