Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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