I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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