The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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