i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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