he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize