last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was born a porn star she said
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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