the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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