Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you win again, gameday.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
