did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
