May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
