U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
