My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
