true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
