My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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