I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
