I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
