just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
