we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
