Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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