Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
