I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
