Do you still have your period?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
