dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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