Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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