Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
