the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
