: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
