she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize