The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
