Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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