Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
