Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
