go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I die, sorry about rent.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
