My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
