I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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