What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Drunk is not a location!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize