My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize