Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
