Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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