I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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